The introverted disguised as an extrovert

Why do days about others always have to become about myself?

The celebration of others should be one that I can immerse myself in through happiness and involvement. Instead I withdraw myself due to the fear of being outcast - I feel sorry for myself when  there is no need to be.

Today was a friends birthday celebration and although I wanted to stay the overwhelming thought of negativity regarding the actions of others prepelled a disturbing sense of embarrassment into me. A coward among friends and a recluse within a party.

What’s more troubling is the egotistical sense of feeling special when mental health is a major issue, one that I underestimate time and time again. I know of only one way to break the cycle but it would destroy far more it followed through.

Dancing with the Depressive Dude

One thing I have struggled with is my personality and the fear of having no friends and becoming a ghost to society is a terrifying reality. However, who wants to be friends with a bitter, anxiety riddled twenty something?

On nights out, I have my good nights and bad nights, I can dance in short bursts before the realisation of what I am doing comes to fruition and the sheer thought of embarrassment overwhelms me. I feel as though friends look at me as this depressing figure but as my heart beats faster and faster and my stomach flips, that little voice in my head commands I stop.

I look upon everyone having a good time, living their best life but thats something that I am always looking at, rather than being a part of. My head always seems to have conversations that I am not a part of, thinking of people who I have drifted away from and wondering if I was the reason why.

I never know how to act around people, my true self or the self-created happy figure to put people at ease?

I steroid my personality to hide away the parts I have ashamed of, I wish for once that the cloak of overthinking and sadness would relinquish its strangulation; as the feeling of never knowing if I am accepted continues to poison my personality.